A Memoir for Baby Maynard

Saturday, June 17, 2006

June 17th, 2006...

My little angel,

So today is the day that I would have married your father. I'm sorry that i couldn't give u the ideal "proper" family Maynie..u know i would do anything in the world for u..but in the end u wouldn't have been happy in a home that wasn't filled with love and joy. Someday when u're old enough u'll know the details, but no matter what, i want u to know that i will NEVER stand in your way of seeing your father if that is what u decide that u want to do when u're older. I will stand beside whatever decisions u make regarding him and if what u want is to see him then i will help u. We never know what the future may hold for us son, maybe in the end we will find someone right to join our family, but for now, sleep well knowing that mommy can be everything u need, and i will take total comfort in knowing that u are everything that matters in the world to me. This will be short and sweet i'm afraid love, because me and u are goin out for lunch with nana in a while. Just know that i love u and we'll be fine no matter where life takes us. I wrote this the day that me and your daddy broke up. As of today i'm doing alright, i'm happy with u and that's all i need. But back then i was still hurting from the way things happened. So here tis babe,

Some things i need to work on
To free me from the pain
And remind myself it's over
You're never coming back again

It's really hard without you
But my strength, for him remains
I do it for our son
A little guy named Mayn

You didn't get time to truly know him
God, how i wish you had
Cause being a full-time daddy
Really wouldn't have been that bad

I'd be right here beside you
In the sun and through the rain
You'd teach him what a boy should know
Our little guy named Mayn

But I will do it all alone
I'll be there every step of the way
I really need to go now
I became mommy AND daddy today.

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So baby, we will be alright :) Scratch that...we already ARE alright. I love you with all ma heart Maynie. Until next time i write...muah!

~Walk through life with your head held high. You and everyone around u are miracles, deserving of all good things in life. ~

All my love always n forever,
Mama Bear

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Dream big baby

My darling Maynie,

Well baby boy it's been so long once again..so much going on and so busy spending ma time with u. U've grown up so fast and are rapidly becoming my little man. Walking and talking and climbing and causing chaos wherever u roam. U truly are the most amazing little boy in the world. Just seeing your face brightens up my life. I would do anything to protect u son. You are sooooooo connected to your mama and as strange as it sounds....you've become my best friend and biggest confidante at the tender age of one. People say how much a child needs their mom...but i realize now that i need u just as much as u need me. You are my hero Maynie. So many things have changed in our life since the last time i wrote. Your daddy is no longer with us, and it looks like he's not going to be keeping in contact with you. Nothing could hurt me more. Not for me son, because i don't need anyone but u...but for your heart..for your future...for the fact that u will grow up with so many unanswered questions and a piece of your heart that will never feel complete. I hope to God that i go about everything the right way and make u understand that this is NOT your fault. Your dad may not be here anymore but we ARE STILL a family..me and u..and we always will be. Mom will be here for u through everything in your life, through the laughter, the tears, the pain and heartache...for your first day of school, when u lose your first pet, for your graduation, your wedding, the birth of YOUR children, and everything in between. I will stand beside u no matter what comes our way. And when u cannot walk, i will carry you for as far and as long as u need me to. We are a team baby. A package. My love for u will NEVER dim...it will burn bright through all time and i am reassured of that every time i look into your sweet eyes. There will never be anyone in this world like u...never anyone as beautiful, sweet, brave, and strong. U will grow up surrounded by morals, and values, and people who love u to teach u the rights and wrongs in life. I promise to give u the best possible life i can...i'm going to work soooooo hard baby to insure that u never feel alone or helpless. I am your mom..and nobody could ever love u like i do. I'll leave with this..but i promise to get on more often and write. I love you sweet child.

Maynie

As i laid here tonite
My thoughts turned to you
I rolled off the couch
And headed to your room

Crept slowly to your side
gently touched your head
Knelt down on my knees
And to the Lord i said....

"Lord you have sent me an angel
when you sent me this little boy
In his eyes, I see the stars
In my heart, he is my joy

I thank you Lord, for the gracious gift
you have sent me from Heaven's embrace
I know you are missing this perfect angel
but just look at my radiant face

I will try my best to do right by him
now that his father has run
To make you proud, make him feel loved
My angel, My perfect son.

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Dream big babe.....always dream big. No matter what people take from you...they can NEVER touch your dreams :) I love you darling
~Mama Bear

Monday, October 24, 2005

It's been too long..

My son,

It's been too long since Mama wrote a letter to u. It's nearing the end of October now and the past month has been filled to the brim with all sorts of things...good and bad. We've had to move as the apartment (your first home) was found to be unhealthy with moisture in the walls. It scared me so badly to think of u being somewhere that wasn't perfect for u so we moved overnite into a new place. I know i probably sound like one of those over-protective mothers but u are the most precious thing in the world to me and your daddy and we will do anything to make sure that u're safe and happy. So now we're in a bigger apartment (more expensive tho) :S but u're so much happier with all the space to run around in your walker and the move didn't seem to upset u in the least bit. U're now eating cereal and let me tell u it's quite a feat to accomplish feeding u without it ending up all over the house lol. But the excitement in your eyes when u see your food is priceless. A little too excited i suppose as we have to keep pulling u back for the next bite cuz u throw yourself backward with glee every time u get a taste lol. That walker is sure getting a lot of mileage i'll tell u lol. Yesterday u said Mama..dada..nanerlakfjeoiajf! lol I know we can't count it as your first words cuz u have no idea what u said but still it made my heart skip a beat. My boy u'll never be able to understand how precious u are in my life. There's nothing in the world i enjoy more than just being with u..walking with u in your backpack...laying around cuddling..playing "Bluey beats up Whozit"...anything as long as u're around to brighten my world. Watching u play with your daddy has to be the most amazing thing tho. It's so wonderful to know that no matter who has tried to stand in our way...u and your daddy will always be best friends and always love each other more than anyone could ever imagine. Life has been good...there have been a ton of ups and downs lately...not between our family or anything...just money things and stuff like that..but no matter what mommy will always make sure u have everything u need. On daddy's birthday u met Dawn and Jeff...and of course u charmed the pants off them as u do everyone else lol. I tell u son u're gonna be some kinda heartbreaker when u grow up. U've already claimed Auntie Tara as your girlfriend and Uncle Jay knows not to get in the way! lol There isn't anything in this world that i wouldn't do for u baby....i'm here for u now and always. Next thing u know it'll be your first Christmas. U're already growing up so fast. It feels like i blinked my eyes and u skipped over 5 whole months. Your nana is right when she says that we have to stop acting like u're older than u are just because u do. I don't want u to grow up too fast and me not get to experience every second of u being a baby. I love u with all my heart Mayn. All my heart and so much more. I promise to write more soon sweetie. But for now mommy has to go and call u. I've only been here half an hour and i miss u already. When u go to bed tonite son...dream big...dream sweet dreams and dream big. It's a luxury of life that not many people take. Someday u'll be big and strong...and able to carry mommy in your arms...Maybe u'll travel to China or send postcards from Paris...Someday u'll have your own family..maybe u'll have a few kids of your own..maybe u won't. Someday u'll have your own hopes and dreams for your life..and u'll never know that once upon a quiet nite..i closed my eyes and made a wish to someday have u in my life. I love u sweet boy.

Love always,
~Mama Bear

Thursday, September 08, 2005

My Son, My Everything

My darling son,

I want to tell u the story of your father and I and how u and our beautiful lil family came to be. A year and a half ago i met your daddy. Yes, it was a tad unconventional as we met over the internet. We started as friends, talking about England all the time because the year before i had been there to visit your Uncle Gary. Well your daddy decided that he wanted to be more than friends but i knew the heartache that can bring when u're so far away from each other. Little did i know the persuasiveness of him at the time lol. We started talking on the phone and I knew i was falling in love. A dangerous place to be when u're thousands of miles apart. Then he decided that he was coming to visit. I was soooooo nervous as i ran to the bus station to pick him up that morning at 6 am. But when i rounded the corner and saw his smile i knew i would never love another man but him. Right away it was like we'd been together always. We were instantly best friends and yet so in love. I remember the night he had to leave after that first visit. The pain of knowing that we couldn't be together every day was excruciating. We stood on my front lawn under a clear sky and held each other. There's nowhere in this world that i felt like i belonged besides in your father's arms. We just...fit. He sang to me right there..and as he was getting to the end of the song..which has now become "your song" the cab pulled up to take him. Once he was gone, i just felt so alone. It was such a strange way to feel after only being together a short time. Going back to being apart again was soooooo difficult. We ended up fighting more. I guess just to cover the sadness. That's one thing u'll learn that i hope u don't fall into. It's always easier to be mad at someone than to let them know that u're hurting inside. But it's not a good way to be my son. Always tell ppl your true feelings. Let the ones u love know what is going on inside your heart. Anywayz, no matter what we knew how much we loved each other and that we needed to try harder to make things work. A couple of months later your daddy was back in my arms. And i was back to being the happy, loving person i wanted to be. This time he came with a purpose. He went logging with Papa one nite and in that logging truck he asked for my dad's hand in marriage. He told him that he'd always love me and that there's nothing in the world we wanted more than to be married and together always. Papa, seeing that i'd never been this happy in my life, told him yes. Your daddy then came to Nana and Papa's house, and while i was in the bath lol, asked your nana for permission too. She of course, had to see the ring cuz she was soooooo excited lol. Then that night your father took me to the one place that brings back a smile in my memory. Long before i had told him that the Elementary School i went to was a place of serenity to me. I'd walk up there at nite and sit at the top of the "tire tower" and write and think. It's the place where i finally found peace within myself in a time of a lot of sorrow in my life. We walked up to the school and climbed the tower. It was a beautiful night baby. Stars everywhere, a soft warm wind passing through. And we just talked, and talked, and talked. Then silence fell over as we just stared up into the sky. I was sitting there thinking, God i wish my whole life felt like this...and just as i thought that your daddy started to speak. We both remember the proposal like it was yesterday. "Jana," he said. "I've loved u since the day i met u, i love u now, and i'll love u until the day i die. You're my soulmate and i know that with all my heart. I was going to wait to do this but looking up at this perfect sky and being here with u like this, it just feels right. Will you marry me? Will u spend your life as my wife?" And wouldn't u know it babe, your "epitome of tomboy" mother..cried like a girl lol. It only took me 2 secs to answer and of course it was a yes. I swear walking back home it was like i was walking on air.
A couple of weeks later we went on our first road trip. We drove to Kam to be there for Nana and Papa's 25th wedding anniversary renewals. It was amazing. I've wished all my life to find someone that would make me as happy as Papa makes Nana and vice versa. And standing there watching them re-pledge their love to each other..i knew in my heart that i'd finally found that man. I looked out into the crowd and caught your daddy's eye and knew we were both thinking the same thing. 25 years from now that will be us.
After that we knew that we didn't want to have to be apart ever again. So being the impulsive weirdo that i am...i sold everything i own and bought a ticket to go back to England with your daddy. Saying goodbye to my family was sooooo hard because when i left i left with the intention of living in England forever. We ended up having to go on different planes to get there so your daddy arrived a good 10 hours into Gatwick before i did lol. But when i walked out of baggage and into the arrivals, there he was waiting with your Uncle Gary. Off we all went for a night of football watching and then i left for Liverpool the next day to visit with Gary for a couple weeks while daddy got us set up. So there i was, missing your dad but knowing that we'd be together soon so i spent my days hanging out with Gary and exploring my favorite city in the world. When suddenly one day i realized that i was ALWAYS feeling nauseous in the morning. I told your Uncle and thought maybe we should just get a test and see if me and your daddy might be having a lil one on the way. In my heart of hearts i was hoping and praying to see a yes on that test but i didn't want to get my hopes up in case it wasn't. I knew it would be painful after wanting u for so long. But there it was.....clear as day.....YES! I was pregnant....and that's the second i stopped living for myself and started living for u. I told your dad over the internet cuz he was still in Sutton. We were on camera so i got to see his reaction. He cried. He was sooooo happy. A few days later, off i went to be with him cuz we couldn't stand to be apart knowing that we were going to be a family. After a month or so tho, i couldn't stand to watch your dad going through so much. He was heading out to work at 6-7 in the morning and not getting back until 5 or so in the afternoon. Trying to make enough money to support us in our lil one room place. Then he was having to sit up all nite with me while i got sick. It was just too hard to see him slowly breaking down. So i made up my mind to go back to Canada. I couldn't get health care in England at the time anyway and i just knew in my heart that things were too hard there. Daddy couldn't make enough money with that job to be able to keep us going properly and i wasn't allowed to work there. Leaving your dad at the airport in London was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. This time i wasn't only leaving him...i was taking away his family. But it had to be done. We needed to find a place to live that would give u the best possible life. I cried on that plane halfway back to Canada, and i know your daddy cried all the way back home too.
Those months living back here in our apartment all by myself were so tough. I missed your daddy so much. When i went for the ultrasound and got to see u for the first time, he was so upset. He didn't want to miss that. But we found a way to make everything work. I came back from the ultrasound with Nana and showed daddy your first lil picture on the camera. The look on his face was amazing. He was grinning from ear to ear. Although we were looking at names for boys AND girls, we both knew deep down that u were a boy, and we couldn't have been happier. Daddy made it back to Canada just after my 6th month of pregnancy and so began our life here together. My due date for u was May 12th..Nana's bday! She had her heart set on you being born that day and we all thought u'd be early cuz i was soooooo big lol. But the "bara" stubborness went on another generation and u seemed to be very content in there. The 12th came and went and still no u. Your daddy and I spent our days talking to u in my tummy, gently coaxing u to join the world but to no avail. You just weren't ready. Finally, a week after my due date, the 19th, my water broke. I was at nana and papa's with daddy and uncle maynard and i swear the two of them went into a tailspin lol. Here i was, calm yet sooo excited, (and deep down terrified of having a C-section) and your daddy and uncle are like 2 spazzes tripping over their own feet to get me to the hospital. Turns out we didn't really need to rush at all because u STILL weren't ready to come out. Nana joined us at the hospital and so began my 21 hours of labour. That nite we stayed the nite in the hospital room....nana on the bed, me in a recliner, and daddy on the floor lol. Every half an hour or so daddy would take me in for a bath to relieve the pain then we'd nap for another 15 mins. Now i won't gross u out with all the details of labor, but i'll tell u this. I'd go through all that pain again just for the chance to see u for the first time all over again. After 21 hours of pain and or course for nana and daddy it was 21 hours of fear and hard work trying to keep me together, there u were. My miracle, my reason for living, my son, my everything. I dont remember even seeing another person in the room for about 15 minutes because all i could see was u. Everything i'd ever hoped for, prayed for, everything i'd ever wanted in my life was wrapped up in a 9lb lil angel on my chest. After a while everyone left the room except me and your daddy. I looked up at him and realized JUST how lucky i truly am. Not very many people find their soul in someone else. I tell your daddy that...he's not my soulmate...he's my soul. He's the part of me that i always felt was missing. There i was...in love with him more than i'd ever been before, and holding in my arms a little man that symbolized all the hardships, all the love, all the memories of our time spent together. A token of the love we have for each other. Our future was right there in front of our eyes, finally. Once upon a time Papa had a brother named Maynard who passed away when he was young. He was an amazing person, so when Nana and Papa had a boy they named him Maynard too. That name, to me, signifies a bond within our family, a person that enters this world and changes the lives of everyone around them for the better. Your Uncle Maynard has been a wonderful brother to me and has been there for me through everything in my life. And i know someday u will be the same to your little brother or sister. So i knew in my heart what your name would be as soon as i saw u, looking exactly like your uncle and the uncle before. Just a tiny baby but with so much wisdom and love for life in your eyes already. In that moment u became my first priority, my reason for being here. And your name became Maynard Coen. I told Daddy that he could pick your other middle name because in our family we have 2. He chose Wayne. Your Papa's name. The moment your Uncle saw u i could see the true joy in his eyes. I told him your name and he cried. I don't remember ever seeing him cry before. He loves u so much and would do anything in the world for u. Just like everyone else in this family that surrounds u. Nana and papa truly do live for the next time they see u. Nana cried when u were born and i know that after all she'd been through in those 21 hours having to see me in pain..all of that exhaustion disappeared. She fell in love. Papa came as soon as he could and when he held u in his arms i've never seen a man melt so quickly. You're a gift from God, my son. Not just to me and daddy but to this whole family. I promise u that not a day will ever go by when u don't feel encompassed by love. Not a day will ever go by when u won't feel truly special. You, Maynard Coen Wayne, are a miracle, a force in this world. Never, ever forget that.

All my love, always and forever,

~Mama Bear

Saturday, August 20, 2005

The pride we all have in knowing u..

My dearest boy,

It's been a while since mommy could write an entry in here but things have been so hectic and crazy. You're soooooo big baby. Long and healthy and perfect in every way. You've started teething already and today is your 3 month birthday!! :D We're over visiting Nana and Papa and i can see how much u miss your daddy right now. I'm going to make sure your first word is dada. So far all u've managed to get out is "B-b-b-b-b-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" But u say that repeatedly so maybe it means something in baby language lol. Uncle Gary has sent u a Liverpool kit in hopes of making u love his team. Tis a wonderful baby present and i can't wait to see how amazing u look in it. My, my, little boy u sure are a flirt. Anytime a woman comes within 10 feet of u, u're smiling and laughing and flirtin it up with her. You're sure gonna be a heartbreaker someday. I know i keep saying how much u've changed my life but it truly is incredible the effect u've had on everybody. I get up at least 5 times a night to check on u and end up just sitting by your cradle watching u sleep and thinking what a true miracle u are in my life. Nana and papa are so in love with u and spend their days waiting to see u again. Uncle Maynard turns into a complete softie around u and someday when u're old enough to know him well u'll see how funny that really is. I've never seen my brother so proud. Proud of u, proud to be an uncle, just proud to be able to help mold u into a wonderful person. The biggest thing tho has been watching your daddy with u since the moment u were born. He has cherished every second spent with u and has been the most amazing father. U've truly been his best friend. Going for walks together, exploring the backyard, having "big boy" baths in the tub and just laying together at nite. You're everything all of us have ever wanted and dreamed of having and i'm so proud that i can say i'm your mother. I love u my son.

~Love with every fiber of your being. Never love half-heartedly. And never, ever, let someone u love walk away without telling them how much they mean to u. Make every comment to someone u love in a way that would make u proud if those were the last words u could say to them.~

P.S. Never stop holding mommy's hand. It makes my world so much brighter to have u holding onto me.

Love always and forever,

~Mama

Monday, July 18, 2005

The fear of a mother...

So i'm driving home from your uncle Maynard's house today...and this song came on the radio. I don't even know what it's called...but for some reason it made me think of how ma life would be if i ever somehow lost u. I dunno if it's still the hormones or just the overwhelming fear a mother holds..but i had to pull over for a minute. The bottom line is...the thought is absolutely and utterly terrifying. Now i know how your nana must have felt all the times i did stupid things in my life. The fear a mother holds in her heart of losing her child is heartbreaking. I dunno how i could ever go on without u. You came into my life and changed the course of my world. All prior priorities mean nothing compared to taking care of u and loving u and showing u how to be an amazing person. I will be there for u Maynard every step of the way...through all walks in your life. U will grow up knowing that u can count on me. That's a promise. And i won't let u down. I won't fail at this..it's just too important. I CAN'T fail at this. I've made many mistakes in my life but u were the one thing that i've done that could never be called that. And i will spend my life making sure that yours and your dad's are wonderful. This family that we've created is so very precious to me little boy. I'm going to get nana and papa and uncle maynard and daddy to post a log each on here for u. I love u son....always and forever.

~Use the talents u possess...the woods would be a very silent place if no birds sang except the best~

Love always,
Mama Bear

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Amazing all the things u do..

Now, I know that every parent thinks their child is "advanced" or whatever...but really you're amazing EVERYONE. At 3 weeks you started smiling and laughing, at 4 weeks you started trying to stand ALL the time, and now at 7 weeks you hold your pacifier, hold your own bottle (not that we'll let u do it alone but u sure try) and you dance like crazyyyyyy. I always knew my child would love music seeing as your father and I both love all music and I sing, but my you've got taste :P You already know Nana and Papa's voices and reach out to them and boy do they ever love you. Right now we're dog-sitting for them for 8 days and so far you've been having the time of your life. There's something about this house that u just love. I've decided to end every entry with a lil piece of advice for when u get older. These are all things that Nana and Papa taught me so now i want to pass on the same morals and values to u. I love u sweet boy. I'll write more later.

~Be open-minded to all different lifestyles. No matter if you agree with someone's choices in life or not...it's not up to u to judge another. Look past ppl's differences and see the soul. :)

Bye for now angel,
~Mama Bear